i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
