he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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