What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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