Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
