i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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