i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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