with your own penis?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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