she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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