She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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