The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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