My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
