The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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