I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
