I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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