omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
