My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Farmville is her only friend.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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