Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
