If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
