I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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