Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
