i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
