I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
