her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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