i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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