i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
