I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
