Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
