so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
