I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
