Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
