I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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