ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
