So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
