It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
