I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
