Soap is not a condiment
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
