can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
