Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
My feet surprised me
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
