I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
