im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
