I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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