I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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