I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
