apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
