The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
