In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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