I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Alive.
So much puke
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
