I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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