listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
