I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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